As high schools around the country look for ways to help students meet the two-year foreign language requirement, Fort Scott and Uniontown have come up with an innovative way to offer a new exciting option by pooling their resources to hire a new teacher for “pirate talk” classes at both highschools.
“It was really hard to find a teacher qualified to teach pirate speak,” said a school administrator who was hard to identify on this particular date. “Especially because most people who are good at speaking pirate, are usually looking for watery waves and less amber grain. But we are proud to announce that we’ve managed to procure the services of Captain Barnaby Blackwater as a teacher for the 2025 to 2026 school year.”
When asked about the compensation package offered Mr. Blackwater, the administrator seemed a big hesitant and mumbled something that sounded like “rum, doubloons, and more rum…” but it wasn’t clear exactly what they were trying to say.
Mr. Blackwater agreed to a short interview to answer some questions.
Captian Barnaby Blackwater, what convinced you to give up the high seas to come teach our high school students how to speak like a pirate?
Arrr, that be a fine question, matey! Truth be told, sailin’ the high seas be grand, but when the good folk o’ Bourbon County waved doubloons and barrels o’ their finest rum under me nose, ol’ Barnaby couldn’t resist!
Mind ye, I’m still scratchin’ me beard ’bout the notable absence o’ oceans ’round Kansas—makes sailin’ me ship, the Salty Grammar, mighty tricky—but the thought o’ teachin’ landlocked lads and lasses the sweet tongue o’ piracy warmed me black heart. And between you an’ me, I’ve a notion to recruit a few sturdy seniors to crew me ship once their diplomas be in hand! Harrr-harr-harr!
Some people say that learning pirate speak isn’t comparable to learning a foreign language and students should be required to learn more traditional languages. What do you think of those claims?
Arrrr, poppycock and bilgewater, says I! Pirate speak be as foreign as any tongue sailed across the seven seas. Why, me hearties, Pirate speak is brimmin’ with culture, tradition, and adventure—enough to put French or Spanish to shame!
Besides, when was the last time ye heard o’ French helpin’ ye find buried treasure, or Spanish teachin’ ye how to properly swing a cutlass and shout fearsome insults at yer foes, eh?
Will Pirate Speak help students get positions in the job market?
Arrr! A wise query indeed, matey! O’ course Pirate speak be useful in the job market—more useful than a parrot that can recite poetry, I’ll wager!
Think o’ the skills these young buccaneers’ll master: assertive communication (“Hand over the doubloons, ye scallywag!”), leadership (“Hoist the mainsail and ready the cannons!”), negotiation (“Five barrels o’ rum or I be walkin’ away!”), an’ teamwork (“All hands on deck, ye salty seadogs!”).
Plus, should traditional jobs fail ’em, there’s always plenty o’ room aboard me ship, the Salty Grammar. Ol’ Captain Blackwater always be lookin’ for hearty new recruits with a flair fer proper Pirate speak! Harrr-harr!
Painting of Captain Blackwater’s ship, the Salty Grammar
CFSEK Launches 2025 Elm Acres Foundation Grant Cycle
Since 2017, the Elm Acres Foundation has hosted an annual grant cycle through the Community Foundation of Southeast Kansas (CFSEK) to help fund projects and services supporting at-risk youth in Southeast Kansas. Since inception, the Elm Acres grant cycle has awarded over $160,000 to vital service projects benefiting area children.
“CFSEK is proud to continue the legacy of the Elm Acres Foundation, ensuring that at-risk youth in Southeast Kansas have access to essential services and programs that foster their growth and development,” said CFSEK Executive Director Devin Gorman.
Applications for the Elm Acres Foundation grant cycle are available online via CFSEK’s portal until midnight on April 30th. Questions regarding the grant applications should be directed to CFSEK Program Coordinator Kara Mishmash at SoutheastKansas.org/Contact/Kara.
Applications are available at SoutheastKansas.org/Grant-App, and more information about the fund is available at SoutheastKansas.org/EA.
In response to local concern that the Pike Creek Reservoir couldn’t be properly paid for by the proposed funding mechanism, state leaders have come up with a contingency plan that should alleviate all concerns.
Artist conception of what the Pike Creek Reservoir will look like with the integrated wind turbines.
As an additional source of income to fund the project, large wind turbines will be built in the lake which will produce power that can be sold to the local power companies in order to fund development at the lake. If there are extra funds, the state has some exciting ideas for additional amenities for the area.
“We’d really like to build an alligator petting zoo to help promote tourism,” said an official who asked not to be named because he only exists one day each year. “Neighboring states are seeing a massive increase in tourism with these petting zoos, and there is no reason Bourbon County couldn’t do the same.” The official also noted that most of the places that have built these tourist attractions have also seen a massive increase in the sustainability of their local emergency rooms. “In some places, they have gone from a five-bed facility to 50 beds to meet the increased demand. The growth in scale has made a lot of them able to operate profitably in areas where they have been losing money for years.”
Architectural drawing of proposed alligator petting zoo. (Alligators not to scale.)
Asked about what might might be the link between alligator petting zoos and an increase in the ER visits the official said he wasn’t sure. “I think it might have something to do with people spending more time in the area, so instead of going back home to deal with an emergency, they choose to do it near the place where their family can enjoy petting their reptile friends.”
The official said that the idea for the petting zoo came to him when reading about the snake pit in Gunn Park that was announced exactly one year ago on April 1st. “It just made me realize how important it is to people to be up close and personal with reptiles.”
He also said other potential ideas include a cannon that will launch tourists across the lake into a net on the other side, a “build-a-sub” attraction where you can try your hand at making a functioning sub to test on the deepest part of the lake, and adventure hang-gliding where you can try your skills at flying through the blades of the wind turbines.
