By Patty LaRoche
Only the person wearing the shoe knows where it pinches. How many times have we heard (or said) “I know exactly how you feel”? We assume we have “walked in their shoes,” but the truth is, we haven’t, even though we might have had a similar situation.
After my mother died, an acquaintance surprised me with her empathetic request, “Why don’t we meet for coffee? I would love to hear all about your mother.” I remember thinking how kind her request was and accepted her invitation. We met for coffee, and immediately she began the conversation: “I will never forget how I felt when my mother died and so know exactly what you’re going through,” at which point — for the next hour — she spoke non-stop about her mother. And just like that, she had to leave.
I sat at the table, wondering how long it would be before she realized what she had done and apologize, but she did not return. Although I saw her several times after that, she never acknowledged her insensitivity.
“Unless you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, you have no idea how they feel” is an idiom that promotes empathy and a warning not to presuppose you really understand what a person is going through unless you personally have dealt with it — which no one has.
We might have gone through something similar (say a divorce or a miscarriage or bankruptcy or a health issue), but none of us can assume to understand another’s situation, thought process, experience or challenges he/she faced. We can’t truly understand their journey until we’ve felt the weight they carry, the terrain they’ve crossed, and the blisters they’ve endured.
When we try to “get” someone’s life based on what they say, we often miss the nuances. Pain, loss, and hardship are wrapped in layers — late nights, hidden tears, silent battles — that only the person experiencing them can truly feel. Walking someone else’s journey is about recognizing the weight they carry, the obstacles they’ve overcome, and the resilience they’ve built.
Listening well (asking open-ended questions and encouraging them to share without judgment) is a start. Jesus was the master at asking questions to allow the listeners to share what they were feeling. He was the only one ever born who truly understood the depth of their pain and responded with compassion.
The next time you are tempted to tell someone you have walked in their shoes, remember this: one size does not fit all.