Anger comes easy for many of us.  It becomes our “default” emotion when anyone strongly disagrees with us, and if that person blows his/her temper first, we, by golly, will blow ours with more gusto.  Colossians 4:5 (NIV) cautions against our little tantrums: Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. 

At lunch the other day, I witnessed what should have been a congenial dialogue heat up when President Trump’s name was mentioned.  I did everything I could to calm the two hotheads, to no avail.  Making the most of this opportunity was not on either man’s agenda.  Neither cared about the other’s right to disagree, nor did either concern himself with how polarizing the conversation became.  Not even when I interrupted with “So, how about those Chiefs?” did the battle die down.

Proverbs 18:2 described these individuals better than I can: Fools take no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing their opinion. This clearly was a political battle to win, not a conversation to understand.  I don’t know about you, but I have never heard a Democrat convert a Republican or a Republican convert a Democrat.  Never!  Yet, friendships dissolve and families implode over this issue.  Ugly seeds are planted when this happens.

Understand that neither of these people asked a question to help clarify or uncover an area of possible agreement.  Both arguers were listening only to counter with their next argument.  One-upmanship at its finest!  James 1:19 had much to teach these two: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

At one point, I interjected that my most frustrating part of the political debates was that no one seemed capable of admitting that his/her opponent had something positive to contribute.  As a teacher, we called it the “Oreo approach.”  Say something nice, then lower the boom, and then end with something pleasant. Neither of these lunch partners found one positive trait about their political opposition.  Even “He chews with his mouth closed” or “He mentioned God the other day” would have received a head-nod.

To converse respectfully, we need to seek common ground.  That means we might discuss the weather (avoid climate change, of course) or what we liked about the Superbowl commercials (yes, a serious stretch) or the high cost of groceries.  We can praise each other’s family or a trait about the other person we admire.  Building a firm foundation enables mutual respect so that we not only listen well but are heard.

Another thing we need to do is to research our position so that it is not just our hair-brained opinion of what we think is true.  This can include facts, statistics, research studies, expert opinions, or historical examples. By substantiating our arguments with verifiable evidence, we lend credibility to our position.

There are, of course, things we need to avoid.  Raising our voice. Being sarcastic or mocking what the other person shared. Rolling our eyes or laughing inappropriately.  None of these will cause the other person to become our friend or listen to us.  Proverbs 16:21 tells us what we need to do: The wise in heart will be called understanding, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is to let the other person know that we will pray about what we have heard and spend some time researching what he/she has said.

Above all else, we must remember that we are representing Christ, and he would much prefer we leave the discussion with our relationship intact than attacking and walking away. One conversation may not result in much change, but it is our responsibility to plant seeds and let God bring the harvest.