When Love Bombing Doesn’t Last by Patty LaRoche

“For better or worse…”  The beaming bride and groom mimic the pastor’s words, vowing that no matter what happens, they are in this marriage thing until they drop. But what happens when, to their surprise, the spouse turns out not to be the kind, gentle, admiring soul he/she pretends to be?  What happens when that person is a narcissist?

Mayo Clinic defines the disease well: “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Sounds like the “worse” part of the marital contract to me.

Mayo continues. “People with a narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors they believe they deserve.” Most narcissists wear one personality in public, another in private.

They are jealous, master manipulators.  The “love-bombing” they demonstrated when dating looks nothing like the actual mental illness they now demonstrate.

The Zoom Bible study I am in is reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Why I Believe.  The renowned psychologist writes about a flight he was on in which he sat next to a young woman who asked what he did for a living.  When he told her, she shared the saga of her umpteenth breakup with her boyfriend, saying that his anger issues came between them as he repeatedly controlled/manipulated her when she behaved in a way he disapproved.

She explained.  “I can calm him down by agreeing with him, but I can’t always just give in.  I feel like I am losing myself.  So, we break up and then I go back.”  Cloud then replied, “There is an old saying: ‘If you rescue an angry man, you will only have to do it again.’”  She asked where he heard that quote.  “The Bible,” he answered.  “Proverbs 19:19. You should read it sometime.  There is good stuff in there.”

“I never knew that was in the Bible!” she said.

Cloud replied, “Yeah,” I know, I didn’t either, until I started to really read it.”  The author addresses narcissism in his book and shares that he finds the most effective psychology rooted in Scripture.  “Boundaries and limits to destructive behavior are taught throughout the Bible, and regaining control for oneself is a chief tenet.”

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this topic, narcissism, and I wonder if we all don’t have a little of this disease in us. We sort of like things to go our way, don’t we?  At least I do, like when instead of marriage being a walk in the park, it’s more like a 100-mile marathon in 100-degree weather in the hills of Arkansas. Instead of looking at our disagreement from Dave’s perspective, my vision is blinded by my wants, my desires.

I am grateful that for almost 53 years, we have weathered those marathons and have learned to work to seek good in each other.  For Dave, that’s easy.  (Riiiight!)

So, what’s a victim to do?  Pray.  A lot.  Especially before they take those vows.